The Key to Immortality

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When I first saw this quote, I thought it was perfect. It all made sense, not to die if you have a writer who’s in love with you. But then I started thinking, to see exactly if I understand what’s all about.

I don’t consider myself a writer. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but it was more like a far away dream, that you’re never actually planning to achieve. You just think that someday, in the future, you’d like to be a writer. But days pass on and you do nothing about it… That’s why I started blogging, to have a sense of writing without actually writing a book or anything. Basically a writer is anyone who writes, right? Although a real writer does more than just putting some words on the paper… The same way a photographer is not anyone who takes a selfie with the phone.

But anyway, I am writing right now, so I can think about the quote from my point of view. Me being the writer, I mean. There was a moment from that period of time when I was just dreaming to become a writer, but didn’t write – which is, before I started this blog – when I actually considered writing about someone, and about love. But it was just a dream of the future. I didn’t write anything, cause why would I? And I’m not going to do it now, either. Cause I’ve changed, and I’ve changed my mind as well.

I decided it was a bad idea to write about a particular person and about a relationship that was, could be, could have been. I don’t know why. It wasn’t the first time when I was thinking about some persons, writing about them, cause I thought I found inspiration in them. But it was just this time when I realised it was wrong. If someone inspires you, it doesn’t mean you should write about them, but about how things changed inside you after receiving inspiration; I suddenly felt that if I was going to write something, it would be about myself, not anyone else. It makes more sense, actually. To write in order to discover yourself, not to describe your vision about some other person, which of course is only your vision, and which may not even be the truth. If you’re writing about yourself, it’s more like giving the others the opportunity to see who you really are. But if you write about someone else, you’ll just alter others’ perceptions about that person. And maybe that person’s perception about themselves. And it doesn’t sound right…

Then I thought I could write about us. About what it is, what it was, what I’m hoping it will be. But again, I gave up on that idea. Cause I doubt people would like to hear about things that you share only with that one person, situations that only the two of you understand. The special moments should be kept just between you, not shared with the whole world. Plus you wouldn’t really feel the urge to share those things. (although, of course, you can still write about them). Cause you’d be living them with that person, so why would you want to look like you’re bragging with what you have? Or, in case of a break up, how many people do you think would like to read about what could have been, but, oh, you see, the fate was against us… It would be wrong. I know I’m supposed to write what I feel and not what I want people to hear – and I consider myself quite good at that – but still, you can’t live if others aren’t aware of your presence. Or perhaps you can, but that’s not the point. If you want to feel that ‘you can never die’, then the others need to have contact with ‘you’, the one from my words, even though some of them won’t know you’re there. And if they shouldn’t hear about a couple’s story, it means that’s not the right way to do it. So I think that if I, as a writer, fall in love with you, I won’t write directly about you, us, my perception about you, us, my plans or hopes regarding you, us. But still, I believe the quote is true.

You will not die. But you won’t remain alive in my words, either. Don’t expect to live happily ever after in my words. You will not live at all, actually – cause this isn’t about you, it’s about me. Then how can you still be present in my writings, without anything actually being about you? Well, it’s possible. Cause if I fall in love with you (and I fall, cause that’s our assumption-

Actually let’s have a break for some sentences or so. Cause I read the quote again, and I remembered about my soon-to-come Maths exam, which I should be revising for instead of writing this. Or I can do both, it’s not that hard and I’m sure you can follow. Sooo we have a conditional statement here: if p then q. We know that p, the hypothesis, implies the conclusion q. I also remember that not q implies not p. Which would be that You can die at some point, if a writer doesn’t fall in love with you. Well, the thing is you will die anyway, at some point. But it’s nicer to know that someone falls in love with you beforehand, and that someone could as well be a writer. But you’ll definitely die.
Still I would add some other conditions: if a writer falls in love with you, AND you have such a huge impact on her, so that you can actually change the way she thinks and sees the world, AND she has the opportunity to write about all these, and not about butterflies and sunsets (not that I’m against them, but you can’t probably live through them), AND you can actually see fragments of yourself amongst her words, THEN indeed you will never die 🙂

Cause if she falls in love with you, but that’s all, full stop, then she may as well find some other inspiration. (she will find it anyway, sooner or later). Or if she falls is love with you, but she writes only about tangible things, or about feelings that may or may not dissappear at some point, then you will most probably die with them. So the thing is that having a writer who falls in love with you is, unfortunately, not guaranteed for your immortality. She needs to fall in love with your soul. (If she falls in love with you, but not for your soul, you may still find a perishing version of yourself amongst her love stories, but I don’t see that exactly as immortality). You don’t have to change her, but she will do it by herself, if you deserve the changes. She will steal thoughts from you, ideas and ways of seeing life, and then she’ll get used to them as if they were hers from the beginning. And that’s where you want to be, with a part of your mind into hers. And there you have it. Immortality 🙂 Even when the bond between you is becoming thinner, you’ll know that there’s enough of you left there. And then she may start writing. And you’ll see your perceptions tangled with hers, you’ll see how things that you thought only you could understand, or not even you, are being explained as seen through her own eyes. You’ll see yourself in her words, you’ll see the impact that you had, you’ll see how you actually are, but without her describing you, you’ll see what that quote meant, that you can never die.

And now I’ll close the bracket and get back to the previous idea.) Cause if I fall in love with you, I won’t let you die. And even if it will be the case that after I finish falling, I’ll get up again and continue alone on my own path in life, I still won’t let that part of you die, cause that part of you is part of me now, and that part of me would die if I tried to stifle it in order to keep it silent. So I slowly write it down, particles of it hidden amongst my own thoughts, older and newer.

Just step back a little, but think closer. Closer to my way of thinking, I mean. Do you understand it, now? That’s why you’ll never die. Cause you found the key. You found a writer who was once falling in love with you. And you were lucky enough that when your paths split apart, she had already copied a part of your thoughts, ideas, personality, and pasted it amongst her owns.

And indeed you are lucky, and I almost envy you. Cause I know the feeling of influencing someone, I’ve been in your shoes, I had for some short moments my own ‘writer’ who was in love with me. But this doesn’t make me immortal, cause as I’ve said above, being a writer is not enough, and there are other conditions that have to be met. But I know I enjoyed the moments I felt immortal, and now it’s my turn to do the same.

I wonder, still,
Who wants
to live
forever…?

“I’m mature” vs “immature”

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“He’s such an immature boy”, “Look how grown up she is compared to you”, “Time for you to grow up and stop living in this fairytale of yours!” Easy to say all these, but what exactly defines maturity? You can’t say about someone that is immature just because he/she made a decision that seems to you to be the wrong one… You can’t say about them that they’re mature just because they have lots of experience, life experience, behind them… The boundary between being mature and not are different for all of us. I may look mature in a situation, but act completely childish in another one. It’s hard and unfair to divide people between mature and immature… You don’t know what they’ve been through, and what waits for them in the future. There are some moments when you’re forced to grow up… When you find yourself alone, when plans didn’t go as you planned them, when you suddenly wake up…

I wonder if a break up could make you a little more mature. It could happen, or it could not. Probably it all depends on the persons, and how strong they are, and willing to accept the situation. You may decide you don’t want to see that person again for the rest of your life hoping that you would cope better with the pain this way. As you wish. But right now I don’t believe this is a solution.

Cause if you think about it, you won’t forget someone just because you stopped seing them. Just because you run away. The feelings are there until you decide to gradually change them into something else. If you stop seeing that person, you will keep the memories of the special moments in your mind, and so you will have the illusion of still feeling the same feelings. However, if you gradually change your relationship into a friendship, and you start sharing memories and moments not as lovers, but as friends, you’ll learn to feel comfortable with him that way. Of course it won’t be easy, and it’s about the unwritten rules you both have to obey. But it’s possible, and it’s better than hiding in some other flat and crying in your bed for an illusion that will never come back. It’s better to accept the reality and slowly going with your relationship into another direction – start appreciating him as a friend, and understand that it’s better this way. Cause you know it is 🙂 if things didn’t work out as lovers, it means it’s better like this. But losing a friend together with the lover is a stupid thing. If a person taught you something in that period of time, appreciate it and go to the next step. Understand that that period is over, and continue by adapting yourself to the new friendship. Running away shows that you’re weak, that you can’t accept the destiny – which is that things are better this way – and that you are not growing up. You prefer to hide and live in your fantasy dreams, where everything is still perfect, where you can still have the happy ending the way you imagined it that day. But grow up. You will not find the happy ending until you reach the end, and you can’t reach the end until you’ve grown up, right?! So whatever you’ve imagined could have been the happy ending, is not. Time to figure out what it will be, then. Time to look further away, to grow up a little bit by learning from the past, to let go of everything that looks like it keeps you from growing – cause after all, life is about growing, blossoming, moving forward. It’s not about staying trapped in the past, preferring to remain little and unknowing, unable to progress, physically and mentally, imagining yourself as one of Peter Pan’s lost boys 🙂 (note: if you haven’t watched Peter Pan, your loss… Basically it’s about a girl whose parents keep telling her to grow up, and one night a boy, Peter Pan – the hero from their stories – comes together with a little fairy to take Wendy and her brothers to Never Land, where some lost boys, aka little orphans, were living. You had to fly there and in order to do that, 3 ingredients were needed: faith, trust and pixie dust… : )

I’ve just realised it’s a reason why all the lost boys were boys, and not even one girl. Cause boys tend to be more immature. They tend not to try and grow up – well, with some exceptions.
Girls are different, and that’s why Wendy finally starts growing up in the end. She realises that Peter Pan cannot offer her more than he has done already, which is a pure, innocent frienship. She has to act as a mother for the other boys, and she actually doesn’t find it too bad. She realises that life is much more than childish games, and that you need to pass that period in order to start another one in your life – cause that’s the way it should be.
Peter Pan on the other hand prefers to remain a cute little boy, who lives in his own fantasy land, afraid to let the childhood go, afraid to have other feelings than the one a child has, not even when Wendy tries to show him what love is. He is not even sure that those feelings exist, cause you discover them only when you’ve grown up. And no one can make him grow up, not even Wendy 🙂 So he loses her. He loses a part of the life itself. He lives in an infinite loop, and prefers to stay that way, with Captain Hook as his biggest problem, rather than having to face some others, unknown ones. He’s such a child…
(Note to self: re-watch Peter Pan with different eyes, it may be surprising.)

The sooner you accept the reality, the better. The sooner you understand life is still full of miracles, the better. The sooner you’ll start looking forward for the rest of your unknown life, the better. And the sooner you’ll start looking for opportunities – and by looking for opportunities I don’t mean also taking them – the better. Just seeing that there are lots of paths for you to take into your life will make you feel optimistic about the future. You don’t have to rush onto the first choice, the first path. Have a look around and see how many wonderful things may happen if you just give them the chance. That’s all they ask for, a chance. So whenever you’re ready, take it and see what happens. Not what you were hoping for? No problem, keep looking. Be open to anything, it’s better than regretting afterwards. But keep looking forward. Don’t forget the past, cause that would be wrong, but accept it, learn from it and continue your life. You won’t learn how to move on if you don’t let go. Set some goals and try to reach them. Don’t lose yourself on the way. Don’t lose yourself amongst others. Be confident in your destiny and your life, and be proud of who you are. Believe. Trust. Be optimistic. And whenever things don’t come up as you expected or wished for, learn as much as you can, and then go out there and apply what you’ve just learned on another situation. Cause that’s growing, improving, blooming. Accept the reality and move on. Don’t get stuck in an infinite loop, but don’t break in the middle either. Continue on your own path, accept whoever is worth accompanying you, and let them go if their path splits from yours. I don’t mean not to get attached, I mean to try and keep a balance. Even between childhood and maturity.

“All children, except one, grow up.” says J. M.  Barrie in the beginning of the book, and he’s also referring to growing up on the inside, not only the outside. And as long as you’re not Peter Pan, then you will grow up, no matter if you want it or not. It depends on you how soon you accept this, so that you can slowly start growing up. Or you could refuse and continue to act like Peter Pan, risking to fall even harder when you will – cause you will – wake up from your fantasy and have to face reality.

And if you are Peter Pan… Come and rescue me.

Ready. Choose. Go!

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Why do we ask advice from others about our own lives? Why do we feel like giving advice to others but, most importantly, why do we accept someone to tell us which path to take into our lifes, which choices to make, what to do? Giving advice is something I do quite often, but maybe it’s wrong. I mean you can’t really put yourself in some other person’s shoes, can you? All you can do is listen to them, and ask the right questions so that you make them think. Then you’ll guide them not towards the path you’d like them to take, but towards the path they feel they should take. You make them understand themselves better. It’s all about explaining the feelings to someone else, either by writing or verbally. And the sense of having to explain everything from head to tail to some other person, who of course can’t feel the feelings you’re describing just as you feel them, makes you see the situation with new eyes. But it depends a lot of the advice you’re receiving. For instance, if you’re about to make a decision and you just can’t figure out what’s the best choice, you may seek help at some friends or family members. Some of them will be certain that option A is the best, some of them otherwise. The thing is that you’re really weak in those moments. You’ll talk to the first person who explains all the arguments for option A, and you’re about to believe that indeed it’s the right thing, when some other person – or even the same one, which makes everything even more confusing – shows you that option B may actually be better. And you’ll end up even more confused. Instead of focusing on what’s the best for you, you’ll start thinking which of those persons knows you more, so that you can be sure that their arguments were the best. And that’s wrong. It will alter your way of thinking, and you’ll lose yourself amongst others’ ideas, thoughts, illusions and, perhaps most importantly, wishes.

So stop asking left and right about what YOU should do. It’s not their life, it’s not their choice. At least if you’ll realise you chose wrong, be brave enough to admit it was your own mistake, rather than cowardly hiding behind someone else’s. Cause if you let them choose for you, you’ll never be confident on your own self. There’ll be moments when you’ll think What if…? and start day dreaming about some other path of your life, which you abandoned just because someone else told you so. Of course it’s easier to blame someone else. But it’s not right, and, again, why shouldn’t we choose our own path in life, either the easiest or the hardest? At least you’d be proud no one had to push you that way. If you take your time and think about it, think first about what your heart really wants. Is it A or is it B? Or maybe why not complicate everything by including an X in the equation?

If you’re still not sure about it, talk to someone. Yes, indeed, i know I’ve said it’s not a good idea, but if the person knows something about communication, listening and helping others discover what they want, it may work. It happened to me – or at least i think so. The thing is for them to say the right things. For instance, they may tell you that yes, of course, inevitably you should choose A, and also give arguments. They should say Problem solved, I’m sure that’s the right thing to do. Take a deep breath and analyse your feelings. Was this what you were hoping to hear? Do you feel happy that someone else showed you that indeed the option you always preferred deep inside your heart is the best one? Congrats then, you’ve just discovered what you really prefer. The bad news is that it doesn’t mean it’s the best decision. But it’s the one you’ll enjoy the most in that very moment. Now the problem is if you listen to your wishes or not.

On the other hand, when they persuade you to choose something you don’t want to, you may end up doing it just because of the pressure. But again, deep inside your heart, your true wish will try to come to surface. You may regret it after a while, you may regret letting them choose for you. Cause after all, no one has been through what you have. Not even the closest person you may have. No one knows you better than yourself – but that is if you take your time and meditate a little. No one knows what will prove to be the best choice in the future. Not even yourself, unfortunately. Life is full of risks, but don’t forget it’s your own life. Your own risks. You shouldn’t let anyone push you away from a path, just because they appear to know what’s the best for you. Trust me, they don’t. Only you have power to change what’s the best for you, and in case of a mistake, learn and get over it. It’s better to learn from your own mistakes than letting others experiment on you with their ideas about your future.

So whatever you choose, don’t overthink it too much, don’t listen to 100 other opinions. Be brave enough to choose your own path, and proudly start walking on it. Keep your head up even if things around you fall apart, and don’t regret anything. Don’t let others define your life. Sadly there will probably be cases when you’ll realise they knew better, but… That’s life 🙂 The only one we have, and we shouldn’t live it as a puppet in someone else’s hands.

Stop Overthinking – Daydream Instead.

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I was thinking about daydreaming today… Actually I was daydreaming about daydreaming. And I’ve realised that daydreaming and over thinking are the same, just one is positive and the other negative. Basically if you say you’re daydreaming, it means you’re thinking about (un)important things, usually either happy, nice, or normal things that may or may not happen at some point. And it may be beneficial and relaxing to just stay and think of nothing in particular.

Over thinking on the other side means stress, negative emotions, expanding the alternatives so much that it almost hurts to think about anything. What if this will happen? Or that? Or maybe some other thing? When you’re thinking too much you may feel depressed. Cause your brain seems more appropriate to think about bad stuff, so that apparently you’ll be more prepared if they really happen. So you’ve mentally lived lots of alternative future moments, usually moments that are close in the future, not the ones that are further away. And you get tired. It’s like when a computer is programmed to go through a ”tree”, either depth first or breadth first. Let me explain if you don’t know the concept, before you decide that I’m too much of a geek for you. It’s an interesting concept actually, if you want to implement it for the way the human mind thinks. In the depth first, you take a possibility, then from that possibility you go – with your mind, in our case – to another possibility, and so on, going further into the future, and not coming back to check for other options that may have brached from the first one. This way you have a goal in mind, a goal that is further away, but you’ll definitely achieve it at some point. And you’re happy. ”Pass this year -> finish college -> get a job -> get married -> have children -> live happily ever after”

On the other hand, breadth first means to take each end every possibility that can happen from the present moment. You don’t go beyond this close period of time until you’ve gone with your mind through all the things that can happen in this particular amount of time. So you don’t look into the future, you’re just over thinking about everything that may happen from the current point. And you’ll end up tired before even going beyond tomorrow. ”What if he doesn’t like this dress I’m going to wear… Or my hair? Should I kiss him at the end? What if he doesn’t want to? But what if he does and waits for a sign?!”…

Then how can you set up a goal and go straight to it, if you’re about to get lost into these infinite amount of possibilities, that your mind really wants to take into consideration?! That’s what over thinking is. And then you’ll just blink, and you’ll wake up after that really small period of time which you were over analysing. And you’ll realise that only one path happened from all the possible ones that you could have thought of. And here you are, unprepared for the future, cause you were too busy, and so unable to look further away. So not only you are slowly going into some kind of a depression when you’re over thinking, but you also get tired, lose time, live lots of perhaps awful moments inside your mind – which have more chances not to become true, rather than becoming – and what for? Why struggling with thinking so much, instead of just leaving the things the way they are supposed to flow? Don’t overuse your thinking, no matter how much imagination you have – I admit I can’t hold mine under control, I keep over thinking and that’s why I get tired, afraid, even sad and confused, and totally unprepared for that goalless future of mine.

I know that when I’m writing I’m basically explaining my thoughts, and of course I’m over thinking. I’ve been told by so many persons that I think too much, instead of just living the moment, with its scent of mystery and unknown, and try not to go with my mind on each and every path I find. After all, some mysteries are supposed to remain mysteries, and our alternative lives is the best example for this that I can think of right now – of course I could think of much better ones, but that would be me over thinking, and I need a break.

Violet Raindrops & the first attempt

This is my first blog post ever, so it will probably be quite short, just to let me know how things are going. I don’t know why I waited so long until I realised that’s what I should do – start a blog. Cause I enjoy writing down my own thoughts, hoping that this way my mind will become more organised, even though, in fact, if you write you actually discover new thoughts, and it’s easier to get lost amongst them. But anyway, I’ve created this blog to see how it feels to actually know that someone may at some point read what you’re writing. And perhaps, why not, maybe what you’re writing will have an impact, smaller or bigger, on that person’s way of thinking. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not writing in order to make others think like me. If you like the way I’m seeing the things around me, that’s fine, if you don’t like it, that’s fine as well. I’ve realised I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, as it’s said, and the best part is that I don’t have to be.

Anyway, it was quite a challenge to choose a perfect name for this blog. And I think I found it. Violet Raindrops. Violet as in the colour, which is neither red nor blue, although it can easily resemble more or less with one of them, just by adjusting the RGB a little bit. Violet is not red like the roses, nor blue like the violets – and by violets I mean the violets from the poem, which are blue, not the ones everyone knows that are violet.
Raindrops, which form the rain, and just as the rain can be purple, it can be violet as well. After the rain there comes the rainbow, and at the end of the rainbow there’s the colour violet. Raindrops, which can fall down either easily, tender and sweet, blessing the nature, or furiously and full of rage, devastating everything. Violet, as the girl who needs just a drop of red in order to love with passion, and a drop of blue to dive into sadness. But she tries to keep the balance. The raindrops are swelling from her eyes, tears of joy or, more often, sadness. And also she falls like a raindrop, falling in love, falling into loneliness, falling into her own thoughts, sometimes slowly, sometimes not. She’s powerful and weak at the same time. Rain makes her blue, and Violet’s not blue. So she takes advantage of the rainy weather, by the passion of writing – adding a drop of red to the blue and becoming Violet again.

I’ll end this short note with one of my favourite quotes, which describes the whole naming idea quite well, actually: “She says she wants to be a raindrop. She doesn’t mind falling, as long as she’s not alone. And raindrops are never alone”. But if she’s not a raindrop, is she alone?…
We’ll figure out later.