I’ve recently finished a book called The Versions of Us, a title which sounded interesting enough to make me read the back cover, then buy it. There were three intercalated stories which actually related the same story, but, well, different versions of it. This article though is not going to be a book review – the book is just a background, a pretext to write, a mere inspiration for giving my thoughts some depth and direction.
A similar idea was written in some of my previous articles. One of them described multiple versions of me, but chronological versions, the ones you need to go through one by one – just as I explained here, such an event is called in computer science the depth first search, in which you just keep moving forward without looking left or right. But the opposite is called the breadth first search, in which all the possibilities are evaluated before taking the next step. And these versions of me, corresponding to breath first search, would be far more complicated that the chronological versions.
Back to the book, the two main characters are an aspiring painter and an aspiring writer, occupations which both require a large amount of creativity, and lots of patience and practice. But creativity and imagination are exactly what’s needed to have your mind wandering, in my case not to find answers for What if…? questions, but to find the questions themselves: which were the turning points in my life so far, what were the precise decisions which made me take this specific path in life?
The reason I’m not thinking about the answers, about different possible lives that I could be living, is that I don’t like being trapped in the past, nor in a future that will never happen. Not that it makes me sad to think about different versions, cause it doesn’t (or does it?), but it’s a bitter-sweet sensation, the kind that’s too strange to be classified as either sad or happy. Like this song here.
An alternative life was mentioned during a fantasy movie I was watching some time ago. Just a brief idea, but enough to make me think – and perhaps also make one of the guys I was watching it with, think. The main hero’s crush, which is, unfortunately for him, not a mutual crush, tells him something that sounds cliché but at the same time really profound: Maybe in a parallel universe we end up being together. And the worst thing was not watching the friendzoned hero’s sad eyes and sensing his broken heart, but knowing that the exact same situation was happening between two of the people whose eyes were silently glued to the screen.
So, yeah. I guess saying Yes instead of No is always a (major) change of events, a new opportunity which could push you on a whole different path in live. But no regrets means the right choice was made, I think. Cause that’s one thing that keeps us from being happy, regrets. Comparing ourselves with others and with other versions of us. Asking ourselves What if…? and then fantasising about a better path in life, when actually there’s no assurance that the current path is worse that the hypothetical one.
And the same happens about accepting an invitation to going out, to dinner, to a movie or whatever. In those seconds before answering, make sure you realise that, as strange as it may sound, that answer may push you away from a path and onto another. Choosing your high-school profile, your university course, your friends and job – anything is just another step on a specific path which will later form the current and authentic version of yourself – all the others are just possibilities that slowly disappear into time.
Of course, it is not always us who make the decision. Maybe the guy I never knew would have answered the way I thought I wanted him to. But that’s part of his versions, not mine, and unfortunately we can’t really know much about the versions of others that don’t involve us. Cause all the others around us have their own power of choice, and all the paths together create a spider web which is by itself so complex, that one shouldn’t even try to think about all the other versions of it…
What’s more, apart from the other persons there’s also something else that contributes to moving on a particular path: chance. There’s always a chance for something to happen, and some say that the more you fear it, the highest the chance for it to actually occur. And something such as unwanted pregnancy seems to be quite a major turning point into one’s life, so how can one not fear it?… (don’t worry, not a major book spoiler).
A situation when a complex life with lots of choices can be explored is… in computer games 🙂 Cause you can choose a path, or how to answer to someone, or not kill another character and then load the game and explore other possible versions of it. But you can’t really do that in real life, so you just have to live with whatever decisions you make, or do your best to move on a desired path.
Somehow thinking about this topic reminded me of the animated movie Hercules, or more specifically the sequence when he risks his life to save the girl from death, and becomes immortal – I still remember his life thread turning into a material that couldn’t be cut anymore. To be honest I’m not entirely sure how this relates to the rest of the article, but the idea is that we always have a choice for the overall life we’re living: our decisions, thoughts, how we act and react will define us, and in the end we’re just going to live the version of us that we shape ourselves.
Maybe another version of me was perfect for another version of you. Or is, or will be… Who knows?
violetraindrops 
What do you do when you can’t convince the current version of you to steer to a path that does not hope for love from a specific person? What do you do when you are so stuck hoping and dreaming that one day it will happen if you have enough patience? How you go about leaving this pain behind and moving on…finding someone else?
Your comment really made me think, so thanks for that. One of the most important decisions that each of us may at some point have to make is to choose whether to stop, or try harder, and I think that’s what you have to decide. And it’s not easy, but you’re the only one that can make a move. Think about the chances of your dream becoming true, of getting together with that person at some point in the future. And then think about all the chances you’re missing by staying on that path, on the path that’s all about waiting full of incertitude, but also hope. Cause hope keeps us alive, but until when? Sooner or later you may need to let go, and the sooner you accept the reality and wake up from your dream, the better it will be. I know the feeling of not being able to forget someone, of always hoping something may become right again… But at some point I had to step back a little at look at the whole situation with new eyes, realise that my happiness can’t depend on that person only. And then I started looking around, and slowly starting moving onto a new path, towards someone else, even without realising it. But it is hard to forget, and you have to be patient with yourself, cause it is normal to feel like that, and each of us needs their own period of time until they are OK again. Another thing you could do is to meet new people in order to see that there are many other persons around you – just try not to compare people, as everyone is different and just because the person you want to be with had particular qualities, it doesn’t matter someone else won’t be at least as good for you. It’s all about knowing people and, most importantly, knowing yourself. Have patience but also be realistic, and think about all the other amazing persons and experiences you’re missing just because you’re waiting for the wrong person; and in case fate will decide it was the right person in the end, you can’t be blamed for looking around in the meantime 🙂 love is always between 2 people, and if it’s not shared, then you can’t force anyone no matter how long you’re dreaming. Sorry I can’t give you more precise ideas, these are just my thoughts regarding the general situation… If you’ll ever want to talk privately, you can contact me on Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008354018353
Stay strong! And one last thing, I have a question as well: what makes your soul dark?… I can only sense love in your comment, and love’s not dark ^_^
It’s dark because its light is not there. Its light is wondering about, being with other people and denying that there’s actually something going.
Your answer seems so obvious and so true but so hard. How do you just let go of the person you love? The person that makes you smile? The person that can brighten up your day even on your worst of days? The person that has shown care like you’ve never seen before?
Well, I’m not sure anyone can give you the answers you want except yourself, really. I guess the only thing I can do is give you obvious answers that you could probably figure out by yourself. I know it’s easy to say stuff rather than applying them, but you have to try know yourself better before you will be able to find your own answers.
For instance, why does your light depend on someone else? And just because one person can make you feel that way, it doesn’t matter there are not other persons in this world that could have the same effect. Also, maybe things have changed and the person that has shown you care has changed as well, but it’s not me the one that should decide that, since I don’t know you. The general rule though is to be patient and have faith that time will solve your problems. Try find happiness and/or light in some other things/persons, instead of relying of that one person to brighten your day. One day you’ll meet someone that will mean much more than this person, someone that will show you care in a way you haven’t seen before. Just allow it to happen.
Everyone has some dark periods in their life, the thing is to actually try and accept it in order to be able to move forward. That’s all I have in mind right now, I’ll tell you if I have some other advice – but again, you’re the only one that can figure the whole thing out (or maybe you and the other person involved, if you want to talk about this with them)