1/2 a <3 (A Valentine's Day Short Story)

halfAheartShe always could barely wait for the first day of each month, as it was the day when donations came in. When she could finally catch a glimpse of what the normal people were wearing or using – not that she wasn’t normal, of course, but it was hard for a girl that lived in an orphanage to own all those amazing items in any other way. This time, she was hoping for a purse – and yes, there it was, right at the bottom of the sack. A brown purse with many pockets, including a little zipped one, so little you could perhaps think it was fake… But wait – what’s this? Something inside, a hard piece of paper, maybe a label… But no, it doesn’t look like a label, it’s not a label at all! It is a little card, not larger than an inch, painted in red and white. Minutely cut in it was half a heart, so that one could see through it the inside of the card before opening it – then, once opened, the full heart is shown, but with an empty half.

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For P, hugs & kisses
infinite

It was obviously a Valentine’s letter from one a year ago, and she remained speechless realising how much love and care have been put inside something so little, just by the fact that it was manually designed and written. But… What is something like that doing inside the smallest pocket of a donated purse?! Perhaps the girl who received it forgot it there… She could imagine the smile on the girlfriend’s face when she received it, how she hugged him and thanked him for it, then put it inside that pocket where it fit perfectly, and forgot it there…

But still, who would forget something like this in a bag? Not when it means so much, more than something expensive, actually, cause a hand crafted object takes time, and a piece of your time is the most important gift you can give to someone… Well, this means it didn’t mean so much, in the end. Perhaps she wanted to forget him and left it there, put it somewhere where you could even trick your mind into thinking that the pocket is false, so that you will never see it again… But then, why not simply throw it away?

It’s so small and still full of details, though, that I feel it was made by a girl. And assuming it was meant to a boyfriend P, what is it still doing inside her purse? Again, she couldn’t have just forgotten it there, neither before nor after giving it to him… A shadow of sadness covered her face. This letter never found its destination, cause she changed her mind. Perhaps he broke up with her right on Valentine’s Day last year, which would be so sad, but it does explain it. Or perhaps she felt ashamed in the last minute to give him something so small and inexpensive like a hand crafted paper, but in this case she was more than wrong, as this kind of gifts values sometimes much more than a golden bracelet or so… And indeed it values, or else the little card would have been burned by now – but perhaps even though she did change her mind, she didn’t want to forget. The gift still meant so much, a symbol of what had been, of infinite love, that she couldn’t just erase it as if it was never there, she couldn’t just destroy something she had put so much love into, something she put inside the smallest pocket of her everyday purse, cause it fit so perfectly there, and then carried it with her everywhere, but somehow never feeling the urge to give it to him, not on Valentine’s Day and not even months after that, when there were only the two of them, and the bag, and the card, alone abroad in a place they say it’s the most romantic city… It just never was a proper time, and then it wasn’t anything at all.

Should I then throw it away, or leave it where it belongs, in the old purse that I’m going to give to orphanage, to enlighten someone else’s imagination?… Would I be left with half a heart?

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It’s Always Tomorrow

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I was chatting with someone yesterday – just a regular conversation on Facebook – and at some point we ended up taking about a random topic, which was how often we practice sports. I asked him, half joking, half not, when he intended to start going to the gym, like some other friends do. His answer was half a joke, half not: ‘Tomorrow’, he said. And then something happened, something that reminded me why I like talking to people, and especially to people I don’t usually talk (and by talking I also mean chatting).

You find a lot about a person by simply chatting with them. But, perhaps most importantly, you may also find something about you. Something they point out, something that you discover through the conversation, some ideas that you may not find in any other place, or from anyone else. You may find inspiration. Inspiration for deeper thoughts, for deeper discussions, or for a new blog post. So chatting is interesting and useful in the same time, at least for me; and it’s nice to find inspiration in places you didn’t expect to, and from people you barely know – and that’s the fun part when you’re a blogger, right?

I responded without really thinking about it, half laughing, half serious: ‘It’s always tomorrow’. And then I started talking about something else, until he made a remark a few chat lines below, that made me stop. It was the kind of remark I was referring above, the kind of remark that makes you realise you have a starting point for something deeper, the kind of remark that basically makes you think. Cause he said ‘”It’s always tomorrow”… nice ‘.

And I stopped for a few seconds, speechless. I always appreciate when someone is quoting me, it makes my words feel valued, and that’s a nice feeling, to know that someone actually remembers what you’ve said. And even if there have only been a couple seconds between you saying that remark and the other person repeating it, it still matters – perhaps even more. The way he said it, with quotation marks and everything, plus the ‘nice’ adjective, made me realise that indeed it was a nice quote, even if the truth behind it is not that nice – it’s actually a little sad, I think. But I know it’s true, and I wonder what I meant by it… And there was only one way to find out – by writing this post.

We tend to plan everything. Our schedule, our meetings, our lives. We tend to prioritise tasks, to decide which ones are important and which ones can only mean procrastination. But we’re also quite good at running, and I don’t mean exercising (unfortunately), but running from certain tasks, postponing them until later, until tomorrow, until… never. Cause ‘tomorrow’ is just “a mystical land where 99 percent of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.” (a nice quote I found online).

Will tomorrow be as expected, with all the plans you made the day before?… Are you going to be happy with the fact that you’ve already decided how tomorrow should look like? Are you going to be happy with the fact that you’ve spent ‘today’ thinking about ‘tomorrow’, instead of living the moment? Does tomorrow ever come, actually?

Cause If tomorrow never comes… Will she know how much I loved her? Rather than just assuming she’ll know, you’d better make sure she will. You’d better live in the present and do what you’ve postponed for tomorrow, today. Cause why not? You can’t postpone things forever, so why not getting started on them right now? I admit I need to learn how to live ‘now’, to stop making so many plans for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and so on… Cause the truth is that you’re missing the present, if your mind is set in the future. And moreover, if tomorrow does come, you’ll have to do those tasks anyway – be them sports, homework, or just a simple thing such as telling someone you love them. And the more you postpone them, the less desire you’ll feel for actually doing them. Remarks such as ‘I’m not in the mood now, so I’ll leave it until tomorrow’ can be so tricky sometimes. Cause believe me, the next day you’ll most probably be even less in the mood for it. The only ‘good’ thing about postponing is that at some point, there’s a deadline when you really must do it, and then it’s done, and congrats, you’ve finally finished the plans you had for X days ago. But what if the deadline doesn’t really exist, and you keep postponing the task until, well, forever? What if you end up being fat because you’re too lazy to exercise, and now you don’t have time anymore? What if you miss the chance of telling what you feel, because you were too afraid, and you lied to yourself by trying to believe that ‘tomorrow’ was a better day? What if tomorrow never comes, and you miss all the chances you had today?…

It’s always tomorrow, but never today… says and old song I found by googling my own quote (cause why not googling your own words?). So stop living in the future, or else you may have regrets at some point, ‘tomorrow’, for not doing all the things when they were meant to, and for being too coward and/or lazy to confronting the present. Cause it’s always ‘tomorrow’, but is tomorrow ‘always’? We usually blame time for not being able to do things today, so we postpone them until tomorrow. But tomorrow is just another day, that will even change its name to ‘today’… Tomorrow is not an infinite period of time, tomorrow is not ‘always’ – unless you postpone it infinitely, which is, honestly, the worse thing you could do. Don’t leave until tomorrow what you could do today, at least not without a really good reason; pretend tomorrow doesn’t come – are you happy with the present, have you done everything that has to be done, today?…

Tomorrow may not be ‘always’, but now is. Now is the answer to the question “When…?” Cause if it’s not now, then it may be never. And you’ll regret not living in the present. If we’d all try to follow the last verse of the song, We’ll forget our tomorrow, and live for today, we’d be much happier. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point in the future, we’ll be glad we didn’t waste our time planning instead of actually doing the thing. But it’s hard, isn’t it?…

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow
You’re always a day away!
🙂

Writing101 Challenge – The Letter

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Should I open this envelope with no name on it? Cause my address is here… Maybe I can find a clue inside about who it is addressed to. Let’s see.

Hopefully it’s the right time now… I’m glad you’re fine and everything is settled now in your life cause, as you know, things aren’t too good here… Congrats for everything that you’ve done – see, it wasn’t as hard as I’ve imagined, right?!! It was good that you kept going without looking back. I’m as proud of you as you are of me.

And I remember… The point of the pen touching the paper, the intense feeling of wanting to believe in those words when the second exclamation mark was brutally added… A sigh of sadness but, above all, hope.

I skip the rest of the message. I know it’s not for me, I know who it is for. I know the last line says

You from the past

and I remember my voice… “Could you send this at this address, on this date please?”

I seal the envelope back and put it somewhere safe. I know it will stay there until the rightful owner is ready for it. Cause it’s not for me. It’s for a future me. I can’t read the dialogue between me from the past and me from the future. Because I’m living in another dimension, in the wrong moment, in the present. I’ll just wait here…

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The Key to Immortality

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When I first saw this quote, I thought it was perfect. It all made sense, not to die if you have a writer who’s in love with you. But then I started thinking, to see exactly if I understand what’s all about.

I don’t consider myself a writer. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but it was more like a far away dream, that you’re never actually planning to achieve. You just think that someday, in the future, you’d like to be a writer. But days pass on and you do nothing about it… That’s why I started blogging, to have a sense of writing without actually writing a book or anything. Basically a writer is anyone who writes, right? Although a real writer does more than just putting some words on the paper… The same way a photographer is not anyone who takes a selfie with the phone.

But anyway, I am writing right now, so I can think about the quote from my point of view. Me being the writer, I mean. There was a moment from that period of time when I was just dreaming to become a writer, but didn’t write – which is, before I started this blog – when I actually considered writing about someone, and about love. But it was just a dream of the future. I didn’t write anything, cause why would I? And I’m not going to do it now, either. Cause I’ve changed, and I’ve changed my mind as well.

I decided it was a bad idea to write about a particular person and about a relationship that was, could be, could have been. I don’t know why. It wasn’t the first time when I was thinking about some persons, writing about them, cause I thought I found inspiration in them. But it was just this time when I realised it was wrong. If someone inspires you, it doesn’t mean you should write about them, but about how things changed inside you after receiving inspiration; I suddenly felt that if I was going to write something, it would be about myself, not anyone else. It makes more sense, actually. To write in order to discover yourself, not to describe your vision about some other person, which of course is only your vision, and which may not even be the truth. If you’re writing about yourself, it’s more like giving the others the opportunity to see who you really are. But if you write about someone else, you’ll just alter others’ perceptions about that person. And maybe that person’s perception about themselves. And it doesn’t sound right…

Then I thought I could write about us. About what it is, what it was, what I’m hoping it will be. But again, I gave up on that idea. Cause I doubt people would like to hear about things that you share only with that one person, situations that only the two of you understand. The special moments should be kept just between you, not shared with the whole world. Plus you wouldn’t really feel the urge to share those things. (although, of course, you can still write about them). Cause you’d be living them with that person, so why would you want to look like you’re bragging with what you have? Or, in case of a break up, how many people do you think would like to read about what could have been, but, oh, you see, the fate was against us… It would be wrong. I know I’m supposed to write what I feel and not what I want people to hear – and I consider myself quite good at that – but still, you can’t live if others aren’t aware of your presence. Or perhaps you can, but that’s not the point. If you want to feel that ‘you can never die’, then the others need to have contact with ‘you’, the one from my words, even though some of them won’t know you’re there. And if they shouldn’t hear about a couple’s story, it means that’s not the right way to do it. So I think that if I, as a writer, fall in love with you, I won’t write directly about you, us, my perception about you, us, my plans or hopes regarding you, us. But still, I believe the quote is true.

You will not die. But you won’t remain alive in my words, either. Don’t expect to live happily ever after in my words. You will not live at all, actually – cause this isn’t about you, it’s about me. Then how can you still be present in my writings, without anything actually being about you? Well, it’s possible. Cause if I fall in love with you (and I fall, cause that’s our assumption-

Actually let’s have a break for some sentences or so. Cause I read the quote again, and I remembered about my soon-to-come Maths exam, which I should be revising for instead of writing this. Or I can do both, it’s not that hard and I’m sure you can follow. Sooo we have a conditional statement here: if p then q. We know that p, the hypothesis, implies the conclusion q. I also remember that not q implies not p. Which would be that You can die at some point, if a writer doesn’t fall in love with you. Well, the thing is you will die anyway, at some point. But it’s nicer to know that someone falls in love with you beforehand, and that someone could as well be a writer. But you’ll definitely die.
Still I would add some other conditions: if a writer falls in love with you, AND you have such a huge impact on her, so that you can actually change the way she thinks and sees the world, AND she has the opportunity to write about all these, and not about butterflies and sunsets (not that I’m against them, but you can’t probably live through them), AND you can actually see fragments of yourself amongst her words, THEN indeed you will never die 🙂

Cause if she falls in love with you, but that’s all, full stop, then she may as well find some other inspiration. (she will find it anyway, sooner or later). Or if she falls is love with you, but she writes only about tangible things, or about feelings that may or may not dissappear at some point, then you will most probably die with them. So the thing is that having a writer who falls in love with you is, unfortunately, not guaranteed for your immortality. She needs to fall in love with your soul. (If she falls in love with you, but not for your soul, you may still find a perishing version of yourself amongst her love stories, but I don’t see that exactly as immortality). You don’t have to change her, but she will do it by herself, if you deserve the changes. She will steal thoughts from you, ideas and ways of seeing life, and then she’ll get used to them as if they were hers from the beginning. And that’s where you want to be, with a part of your mind into hers. And there you have it. Immortality 🙂 Even when the bond between you is becoming thinner, you’ll know that there’s enough of you left there. And then she may start writing. And you’ll see your perceptions tangled with hers, you’ll see how things that you thought only you could understand, or not even you, are being explained as seen through her own eyes. You’ll see yourself in her words, you’ll see the impact that you had, you’ll see how you actually are, but without her describing you, you’ll see what that quote meant, that you can never die.

And now I’ll close the bracket and get back to the previous idea.) Cause if I fall in love with you, I won’t let you die. And even if it will be the case that after I finish falling, I’ll get up again and continue alone on my own path in life, I still won’t let that part of you die, cause that part of you is part of me now, and that part of me would die if I tried to stifle it in order to keep it silent. So I slowly write it down, particles of it hidden amongst my own thoughts, older and newer.

Just step back a little, but think closer. Closer to my way of thinking, I mean. Do you understand it, now? That’s why you’ll never die. Cause you found the key. You found a writer who was once falling in love with you. And you were lucky enough that when your paths split apart, she had already copied a part of your thoughts, ideas, personality, and pasted it amongst her owns.

And indeed you are lucky, and I almost envy you. Cause I know the feeling of influencing someone, I’ve been in your shoes, I had for some short moments my own ‘writer’ who was in love with me. But this doesn’t make me immortal, cause as I’ve said above, being a writer is not enough, and there are other conditions that have to be met. But I know I enjoyed the moments I felt immortal, and now it’s my turn to do the same.

I wonder, still,
Who wants
to live
forever…?

Ready. Choose. Go!

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Why do we ask advice from others about our own lives? Why do we feel like giving advice to others but, most importantly, why do we accept someone to tell us which path to take into our lifes, which choices to make, what to do? Giving advice is something I do quite often, but maybe it’s wrong. I mean you can’t really put yourself in some other person’s shoes, can you? All you can do is listen to them, and ask the right questions so that you make them think. Then you’ll guide them not towards the path you’d like them to take, but towards the path they feel they should take. You make them understand themselves better. It’s all about explaining the feelings to someone else, either by writing or verbally. And the sense of having to explain everything from head to tail to some other person, who of course can’t feel the feelings you’re describing just as you feel them, makes you see the situation with new eyes. But it depends a lot of the advice you’re receiving. For instance, if you’re about to make a decision and you just can’t figure out what’s the best choice, you may seek help at some friends or family members. Some of them will be certain that option A is the best, some of them otherwise. The thing is that you’re really weak in those moments. You’ll talk to the first person who explains all the arguments for option A, and you’re about to believe that indeed it’s the right thing, when some other person – or even the same one, which makes everything even more confusing – shows you that option B may actually be better. And you’ll end up even more confused. Instead of focusing on what’s the best for you, you’ll start thinking which of those persons knows you more, so that you can be sure that their arguments were the best. And that’s wrong. It will alter your way of thinking, and you’ll lose yourself amongst others’ ideas, thoughts, illusions and, perhaps most importantly, wishes.

So stop asking left and right about what YOU should do. It’s not their life, it’s not their choice. At least if you’ll realise you chose wrong, be brave enough to admit it was your own mistake, rather than cowardly hiding behind someone else’s. Cause if you let them choose for you, you’ll never be confident on your own self. There’ll be moments when you’ll think What if…? and start day dreaming about some other path of your life, which you abandoned just because someone else told you so. Of course it’s easier to blame someone else. But it’s not right, and, again, why shouldn’t we choose our own path in life, either the easiest or the hardest? At least you’d be proud no one had to push you that way. If you take your time and think about it, think first about what your heart really wants. Is it A or is it B? Or maybe why not complicate everything by including an X in the equation?

If you’re still not sure about it, talk to someone. Yes, indeed, i know I’ve said it’s not a good idea, but if the person knows something about communication, listening and helping others discover what they want, it may work. It happened to me – or at least i think so. The thing is for them to say the right things. For instance, they may tell you that yes, of course, inevitably you should choose A, and also give arguments. They should say Problem solved, I’m sure that’s the right thing to do. Take a deep breath and analyse your feelings. Was this what you were hoping to hear? Do you feel happy that someone else showed you that indeed the option you always preferred deep inside your heart is the best one? Congrats then, you’ve just discovered what you really prefer. The bad news is that it doesn’t mean it’s the best decision. But it’s the one you’ll enjoy the most in that very moment. Now the problem is if you listen to your wishes or not.

On the other hand, when they persuade you to choose something you don’t want to, you may end up doing it just because of the pressure. But again, deep inside your heart, your true wish will try to come to surface. You may regret it after a while, you may regret letting them choose for you. Cause after all, no one has been through what you have. Not even the closest person you may have. No one knows you better than yourself – but that is if you take your time and meditate a little. No one knows what will prove to be the best choice in the future. Not even yourself, unfortunately. Life is full of risks, but don’t forget it’s your own life. Your own risks. You shouldn’t let anyone push you away from a path, just because they appear to know what’s the best for you. Trust me, they don’t. Only you have power to change what’s the best for you, and in case of a mistake, learn and get over it. It’s better to learn from your own mistakes than letting others experiment on you with their ideas about your future.

So whatever you choose, don’t overthink it too much, don’t listen to 100 other opinions. Be brave enough to choose your own path, and proudly start walking on it. Keep your head up even if things around you fall apart, and don’t regret anything. Don’t let others define your life. Sadly there will probably be cases when you’ll realise they knew better, but… That’s life 🙂 The only one we have, and we shouldn’t live it as a puppet in someone else’s hands.

Stop Overthinking – Daydream Instead.

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I was thinking about daydreaming today… Actually I was daydreaming about daydreaming. And I’ve realised that daydreaming and over thinking are the same, just one is positive and the other negative. Basically if you say you’re daydreaming, it means you’re thinking about (un)important things, usually either happy, nice, or normal things that may or may not happen at some point. And it may be beneficial and relaxing to just stay and think of nothing in particular.

Over thinking on the other side means stress, negative emotions, expanding the alternatives so much that it almost hurts to think about anything. What if this will happen? Or that? Or maybe some other thing? When you’re thinking too much you may feel depressed. Cause your brain seems more appropriate to think about bad stuff, so that apparently you’ll be more prepared if they really happen. So you’ve mentally lived lots of alternative future moments, usually moments that are close in the future, not the ones that are further away. And you get tired. It’s like when a computer is programmed to go through a ”tree”, either depth first or breadth first. Let me explain if you don’t know the concept, before you decide that I’m too much of a geek for you. It’s an interesting concept actually, if you want to implement it for the way the human mind thinks. In the depth first, you take a possibility, then from that possibility you go – with your mind, in our case – to another possibility, and so on, going further into the future, and not coming back to check for other options that may have brached from the first one. This way you have a goal in mind, a goal that is further away, but you’ll definitely achieve it at some point. And you’re happy. ”Pass this year -> finish college -> get a job -> get married -> have children -> live happily ever after”

On the other hand, breadth first means to take each end every possibility that can happen from the present moment. You don’t go beyond this close period of time until you’ve gone with your mind through all the things that can happen in this particular amount of time. So you don’t look into the future, you’re just over thinking about everything that may happen from the current point. And you’ll end up tired before even going beyond tomorrow. ”What if he doesn’t like this dress I’m going to wear… Or my hair? Should I kiss him at the end? What if he doesn’t want to? But what if he does and waits for a sign?!”…

Then how can you set up a goal and go straight to it, if you’re about to get lost into these infinite amount of possibilities, that your mind really wants to take into consideration?! That’s what over thinking is. And then you’ll just blink, and you’ll wake up after that really small period of time which you were over analysing. And you’ll realise that only one path happened from all the possible ones that you could have thought of. And here you are, unprepared for the future, cause you were too busy, and so unable to look further away. So not only you are slowly going into some kind of a depression when you’re over thinking, but you also get tired, lose time, live lots of perhaps awful moments inside your mind – which have more chances not to become true, rather than becoming – and what for? Why struggling with thinking so much, instead of just leaving the things the way they are supposed to flow? Don’t overuse your thinking, no matter how much imagination you have – I admit I can’t hold mine under control, I keep over thinking and that’s why I get tired, afraid, even sad and confused, and totally unprepared for that goalless future of mine.

I know that when I’m writing I’m basically explaining my thoughts, and of course I’m over thinking. I’ve been told by so many persons that I think too much, instead of just living the moment, with its scent of mystery and unknown, and try not to go with my mind on each and every path I find. After all, some mysteries are supposed to remain mysteries, and our alternative lives is the best example for this that I can think of right now – of course I could think of much better ones, but that would be me over thinking, and I need a break.